Hello.
Idk what to exactly feel rn. Like i have all these mixed feelings, i dont actually know where to start to sort my heart out, yknow?
I feel lucky sometimes, if not most of the time. I have everything i could ever need. Well, i don't exactly own everything in the world nor am i stinky rich, but i love what i have right now, i need nothing more than this.
Tbh i kinda found something from my past, and it made me smile. I liked that warm feeling, those fuzzy fuzzy butterflies. I'm glad i reached this point in my life and i'm able to look back and smile. I'm proud of myself for that. Damn, i'm actually proud of how far i've come. But i miss myself back then. All fuzzy and warm, and i was so good with words. Nowadays i feel like im just spitting nasty stuff to all the people around me.
That is why i'm trying to use less words, but god, reading my writings from back then, i used to be so full of graceful words, i was capable of captivating people with my words. And most probably it was because it came from my heart. I meant my words. I used to be able to feel everything so deeply, so unafraid to fly, so unafraid to attach myself, so bold to explore all the different kinds of emotions i could feel. But as i grow, i kinda made myself believe that words aren't everything. You can write tons and tons of poems and beautiful stories but it's just words. Oh how i hate myself now for making myself believe that. I want to write beautiful words again, but i don't know where to start.
I'm all grown up now, because when i looked back, i see a different, bold, colourful and bubbly girl. When i look into the mirror now, i see a bland person, trying to be the same as everyone else, trying to fit in. Why didn't i stick to myself back then? I miss myself.
I'm glad i discovered my old self. It was so good to see her again after a while. Good job, kid. Thanks for reminding me of who i was.
So, for 2019, let's see if i can become a lot like who i was.
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My decision is not going to make everyone happy, but that's not important right now. My happiness shall be first, before anyone else's.
I don't know exactly how i would settle this, but, meh, i'll get through. I've lived 22 years, what can't i pass? I faced one of my biggest rejection at 13, a total dumbfound loss at 15, accepted i was an idiot and faced my biggest heartbreak at 19, so now this is my challenge, at 22: making a life decision.
Well honestly all i want in life right now is happiness for my parents and lots and lots of cats but God isn't gonna make it that easy.
I'm 100% not sure about this, but yeah. Whatever happens, life goes on. And i need to get this diploma first lol.
To many more years together, Razan Haris. I'm with you.
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