My last few weeks of the semester was quite tough, and most of it was from emotional wreckage lol and my period decided to come in the 14th week therefore I was extra emotional + all these people testing my thin piece of patience aduh I can't even begin how mad I was at everything.
But week 14 is over, and I'm gonna have to sit for another make-up test, maybe next week or maybe the next, idk. I'm going to treat myself this weekend, stress free! (I hope) I'm gonna tidy up my room a bit and get rid of stuff and put up some decorations, just to feel good lol. And I just finished writing a song (ye do I finally made some time to whip up a song hahah) but ya girl is getting rusty with the guitar so idk how imma put some melody into that just yet but its alright we'll get to that later. One step at a time sis, you'll be fine.
2019 resolutions (?) I know I never really complete my resolutions but tbh I never really had any serious resolutions before. All of them were basic stuff like losing weight (which, let's be real, I'm not gonna lose any of these belly fats any time soon lol) and I've never felt serious about sorting my life out. I'm already an adult, I gotta learn to do stuff on my own. Hence,
1) Let's try completing my diploma without having to attend extra semesters, shall we? That's like, the main thing. I want to pass this, I want to go get a degree although tbh I'm starting to feel like I don't want a degree, I want to go out and make money as soon as I can. But I trust my parents, they know best. And I'm only like 30% ready for the outside world. I still have to prepare myself. God, I'm so nervous yet so excited for my future. I hope I'll be able to make my parents proud of me.
2) I want to settle down with Alfee. Well, my parents are quite strict and I'm quite sure they won't let me tie myself down to him before I get my degree, which I don't think I quite mind. I trust him, and I'll try my best to trust myself. I can't wait to be able to split bills with him and think "Ah, it's okay, he's 100% mine, I can splurge on him. " and not hesitate anymore. I can't wait to build an actual life with him, struggling to make ends meet and treating ourselves to cakes whenever we achieve something together. I can't wait to have the obligation to make each other a better person. I want to do lots of things, and I want to achieve that success with him. Idk if he really is the one, but when the time comes, I'll do istikharah, I'll ask mama to do the same, so we'll know then. I'll put my trust in Him, He'll surely guide me.
3) BUT before I settle down with Alfee, I want to make it allllll about my parents first. My family will always, always be first before I actually tie the knot with Alfee. Because after that, I will have to put him first before anything in the world. Therefore, I want to do everything I can for my parents before he claims me. I want my parents to be the happiest couple in the world before we can become one.
4) This is a recurring resolution: I want to be better. Well at least I want to try to be better. In various aspects. Religion, self esteem, relationship with the people around me, my attitude, everything. I want to feel myself changing. This has been the greatest obstacle in my life haih. All I want is to be better than who I was before. Tbh, in 2018, I saw myself changing quite a tiny bit. I'm more confident now, and I'm starting to try to stop depending on other people. Well........at least people other than Alfee. I keep relying on him lately :/ I really shouldn't burden him any more haih. But 2018 has been quite a wild year, and it has taught me a lot, shaping me into a more confident person. Most importantly, 2018 has pushed me to turn into a person who does not give a single fuck about what people around me are talking about me. My circle has always been small, but I have decided now that the only people I can trust in this world is Alfee and Farahnaz. Only.
Some friends are fun to be around, but to confide in, no.
Thanks, 2018. I'm ready to turn 23 now.
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