confessions & confusions; a life update

Hello.

I'm a twisted person, and I get confused with my sexuality a lot lately. But I still have my faith (thank god) so I'm still straight.
Not that I have anything against gays, no. Go on, love is love. But I guess I'll still side with my faith. I've done enough damage to my life already.

I'm not quite sure of how I feel right now.

I hate myself. I know I'm not good enough, I don't pay enough attention, I don't give anything instead I just take up anything that's offered to me, I play around a lot, I never show I'm serious. Therefore I feel like I have no rights to call dibs again. So I gotta get rid of this feeling. I gotta grow up. I gotta reap what I sowed. Yubaba told me to put all my trust out. I know I am supposed to give my trust, but would you? Would you give in and expose to people that you don't actually care, when deep inside it's breaking the crap out of my bones?

And I'm still in awe of how simply you put it out for me, how carefree you sounded. How? Would you be happy if I did the same thing you're doing? But it's me, isn't it? I'm being immature. I'm thinking too much, right?

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I watched you all these years. I hurt you multiple times, so I'm sorry. And I don't know how'd you get so unlucky with love, with life. But I do hope happiness will come to your door soon. I hope you'll stay safe, Spidey.

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And finally, you.
I got rid of all proof that you're once a big piece of my life. Well tbh it only took this long because I forgot their existence lol. So I finally got rid of everything, but yknow, reading my own words back then, they still hurt. I can feel all the pain surging throughout my whole body, just like how I felt when I wrote those back then. I'm amazed at how good I was with painful words (lol) and also at how far I've come, when I can clearly remember, I thought I'll never move on from you.

Well, I said this before, but thanks for making me tougher.

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Don't get me wrong, but I think I'll still be fine without a guy. I won't break down like I did last time. I don't think I'm as strongly attached as I am before. Damn, life has taught me a hell lot by the time I'm only 22. I'm excited to discover more in the future. I hope I'll reach the point where everyone will be happy with what I'll achieve. I hope I will be happy with my life.

Adios.