Benjy

February 21, 2018.

I swore I would never forgive myself for letting him out the door. He was a fat lump of furball, he never fits in any gaps between any of the door bars. I opened the door for him, and that was the last time I was able to do so for him.

I still remember how mama was frantically running towards the gate with a lifeless Benjy in her arms. I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought mama had just scooped him up like always but he's not resisting. He wasn't moving.

I miss him. He was not just a cat, he's part of the family. The whole family knows it. We can feel the gap when he's gone. Nobody can replace our baby. Our lovely Benjy.

He was special. His left eye was damaged when he was little, but he was a tough little cookie. He was a fighter, an agile little thing, always frantically playing with stupid motionless things around the house. That was what made it harder; he's everywhere. Apak used to tear off some bits of paper and crumpled it into a ball just to throw on Benjy's head and he'll go mad, chasing the ball all over the place. He was very lovely, he never stole food from the table. Even if he wants food from us, he never climbed on us or be a bitch about it. He'd just sit there and wait. I remember his large paws sticking out of the old China cupboard in our living room, trying to catch whoever passing by. Later he'll push out all sorts of rubbish from under the cupboard lol.

And he's a huge ball of comfort. He would come to you in bed. He would sleep with you but you shall not touch him. He hated being held, he hated hugs. But he enjoyed pats on his head. And he's the only cat that would play chase with me. Other cats will only play chase with cats, but if I made him notice me and then I tried to hide, his eyes would go big and hide too, and try to creep up on me to catch me. I love him. I love him so much. I miss him. He was a very pleasant cat.

Mama got rid of all the boxes and paperbags in the house. Boxes and paperbags were his most FAVOURITE things on earth; never let anything of that sort near him, it'll be ruined in seconds. That's why mama can't look at those things. It hurts.

Everyone cried for you, Benjy. Everyone misses you. It is still hard for us to talk about that day. We do try to talk about all the silly things you did, but it makes us even more sad because we can't see you being stupid anymore.

I am so sorry I told you to go out and play that day. I really wished I closed the door on you instead, so I can come back in to a living you. A breathing you. A perfect you.

I miss ranting like this with you watching me. I miss seeing you 'massaging' my plushies. I miss bullying you. I miss hugging you even though you hated it.

I am so sorry, baby.